Child Abuse - What was my fault?? I was only in 3rd standard.

Child abuse – I was in 3^rd standard and would play all day long unlike today’s kids who are busy with their gadgets. My parents were working and would come late in the night. My elder sister who was 8 years elder to me would take care of the house in my parent’s absence. She was more like a mother who fed me, took care of me, forced me to study. I was very scared of her as a child. I was a stupid child, stupid in the sense someone who is as dumb as one can be.

My mother was always busy during weekdays and weekends as well as there were other errands she had to finish of. I was not very comfortable in sharing things with her.

During my summer holidays, I would play in the park with sun at its peak. A friend of mine Shilpi use to stay nearby my house, they were 5 brothers and sisters. Shilpi, I and other friends would play together in the park. Sometimes I would visit her place but my mother was never comfortable in sending us to our friend’s place. I never liked it and hated her for doing this as I felt she was unnecessary doing it, just to control us.

Many times we don’t understand our parents because they have grew up already and their actions are based on their past experiences. They know already what is best for their child and what can affect them. But as a child we can’t relate. Same was the scene with me. I would never interpret why so many restrictions on us.

One day I went to Shilpi’s birthday, I reached her home early as it was summer holidays and there was nothing to do at home. I reached her home at 5.00 pm and 7.00 pm rest of the friends was expected to come. I started helping her in decorating the room; I was very full of excitement as I would feel freedom as rarely I would get a chance to go to a friend’s house.

At 6.30 pm his father came, I went to meet him and said “Namaste”. Uncle was very happy to see me, as I would seldom go to their house. I and Shilpi were good friends. Uncle sat on the sofa and told me to sit on his lap, I without giving a second thought sat on his lap (like a dumb kid). He said I am so happy beta you are here. And then I got a shock of my life, uncle was smelling like a pan parag factory and was stinking badly and with the same mouth he started kissing my cheek frantically and his body was rubbing against my body.

One of his hands grabbed my chest (they were still not developed yet), he was doing in a manner that nobody would see his hand and as and when anyone will come he will remove his hand immediately. Suddenly, Shilpi little sister came and he stopped and starting patting my back. I didn’t know what to do; I didn’t even have an idea that he was assaulting me because I didn’t know what assault meant. Everything just felt disgusting and as a child I didn’t realize what was happening, but I felt bad about what had happened.

I ran immediately to my house without saying anything to anyone.

My mother has not yet come but my sister was there, she asked me why you came so early, I didn’t tell her anything. I lied to her saying, I feel like puking and stomach is aching. She didn’t doubt a bit. My mother came home and gave me medicine. I couldn’t sleep the whole night.

I was weeping with bed sheet between my mouth, so that no one could hear. I was petrified and fearful. During my entire summer vacations, I would make sure that he doesn’t come eye to eye contact with me. I would take a long route to go to home. I was scared out of fear and was full of guilt that why I misunderstood my mother.

Months passed by I became normal but still was not out of that incident. But, I never knew that the same evening would repeat again. There was kanjak at Shilpi’s house and her mother came specially to invite me at her home. I didn’t know how to react; her mother held my hand took me to her house. Shilpi was also there with me; uncle was there too and smiled with a dirty look in his eyes as if he was waiting for this day to come.

I was quite and didn’t smile much. I sat in the pooja and waited for it to get over impatiently. After 20 minutes, we got free, I got up immediately, wore my slippers and was about to leave for my place. Aunty told me to wait, as she had to pack Prasad for my parents.

The expected thing happened, uncle again called me and told me to sit on his lap (I was shilpi’s age so no one would imagine otherwise). He sent Shilpi to get something from the neighbour. He started kissing me the same manner and rubbed my breast. It was a Déjà vu moment. His hand was hurting me. I was so innocent and didn’t know how to react. Suddenly, aunty called me to come to the kitchen, he stopped immediately and ran to her. She gave me Prasad and I rushed towards my home.

I promised myself I would never ever come to his place. That day I spent my entire time in my prayer room crying and feeling bad about myself.

As I grew up, I realized he sexually assaulted me and the whole episode that haunted me forever was still so fresh in my mind. There is nothing which can justify, why someone with 5 children would do something like this. I always thank my stars that it ended then and there and that piece of meat didn’t do anything else. I was mentally harassed and abused. Irrespective of the types of abuse, it emotionally harm a child’s future and I was one of them.

Sexual assault doesn’t mean forceful intercourse only; it also includes things like sexually touching, forcefully kissing, unwanted sexting, commenting on body parts and even staring also comes under assault. It is a very difficult and a scary experience. For a long time I kept on blaming myself for visiting my friend’s place ever and I hated myself as I couldn’t understand my mother. Now I knew why she never allowed us to go to any of the friends place. I still wish it wouldn’t have happened.

Many times we don’t understand our parents probably because of the age gap and we also fail to understand that their actions are based on their past experiences. They know already what is best for the child and what can affect them. But as a child we can’t relate. Same was the scene with me. The uncle ( I hate to address him like that) has passed away and I still hate him for what he did, the memories have faded away but there are times when I do think about it.